Useless Column: What do men shake?

Oh yeso, like I always say, you can live in Kanda in Accra for 100 years and still not know that GTTV and TV33 share walls! I can see you saying or rather asking ‘Really’? Don’t ask. Go and roam around town small..haba!

Last week my friend confessed to me that he didn’t know that an ordinary shaving stick could be an aphrodisiac until he saw it in this useless column. It can be a very potent aphrodisiac in the hands of a loving wife shaving the lower perimeter of a caring husband. But I warned him bcos the same shaving stick can become a weapon in the hands of an unhappy and angry wife! Be careful when to give her the shaving stick to shave you; first be sure she is happy with you. But the question is: ‘to shave where’? However, if the ‘battery’ is perpetually weak, 100 shaving sticks can be used but you would still be there asking your wife unnecessary questions! I heard too much consumption of okro soup is not good for men o, though not medically proven. I used to doubt this until last Thursday when I embarrassed myself and found myself asking my mother-in-law’s daughter useless questions such as: ‘How old is Accra Great Olympics?’ all in the bid to buy time to possibly regain ‘consciousness’.

Probably nothing annoys me more than driving in traffic in one lane and seeing a nice lady with ‘loads’ packed in some fabric walking past on the pavement and while attempting to catch proper glimpse of her, a trotro usually sprinter buses come to block your view thus preventing your eyes from ‘enjoying’ the little ‘food for the eyes’. That thing can pain er. Ha!

I want to ask o but please don’t insult me in your head wai, Kofi. What at all do men remove from their trousers when they are about to urinate by the road side and why do they shake that thing kparakpara like that after urinating? What do they put back into the trousers and zip it after urinating? Eish have you ever tried to close the zip and it zipped on the thing? Aiiiii! It can be painful o especially if you don’t know whether to zip it up or zip it down to free yourself from the ‘fowlers snare’. Hmmm! It often happens to drunk people like me whose these things are semi weak and to put it succinctly mildly, ‘half clutch’! Some of the ladies too, especially those who urinate in the corner of the road side: what do you ‘sweep’ with your left hands to one small corner when you squat to pee and after that, the fabric-like thing sweeps itself back to cover something! And what is that something that is covered? Me I have not seen some before oo..hahaha! Worse of all, both men and women spit into the urine afterwards. Is there any relationship between saliva and urine? Forgive me o bcos I don’t even know what I am talking about o! Haven’t you urinated before? Hahahahahahahaha!
I am sure you are already insulting me in your head right now because today is Fridayyyyyyy and some of us are already broke and getting unnecessarily angry at ourselves! Looks like the month of October is also very long o! Chai! Next week is still not moon-die! Hmmm!

So when is the next holiday han? The sweetest holidays are those that you hear about while you are closing from work on Thursday and then you are told that next week Monday is a holiday! What kind of holiday? and you are told it is Ramadann holiday! It’s sweet roff! Unexpected joy! Allamduiah! PBUH, Prophet Mohammed!

Don’t underestimate what your stomach can take when you see food o! Last night, after dinner was served, I told my wife that doctor says I shouldn’t eat in the night so I will eat only a little. I ended up finishing the whole bowl of banku and okro soup! All bcos of cholesterol and pot belly, my doctors ‘deceived’ me not to eat in the night and it was a true ‘deception’. Meanwhile some of them eat in the night more than you can imagine. Have you realized that many doctors sometimes do the things they ask us not to do? They ask you to take your medications on time; most don’t take medications at all! Medical doctors hardly fall sick but when you hear that a doctor has headache, pray for him o bcos….ajeeeii!

Customer service in Ghana Ghana Ghana oseeeeeyiyeeeey! Yeeeeyyyyy…yiyeeeeey! Ghana ooooo…yeeeeey! Ghana ooo……

Hmmmm! I got to the reception of this Company, I asked for water; it took forever to get me the water bcos the guy I met didn’t give priority to my ‘useless’ request and disappeared for more than 5 minutes. In his mind, after all, they were selling only gadgets and not water for thirsty customers. I proceeded to the 2^nd floor and asked for water. The lady I met pointed downstairs for me to go for the water. I was tired so I went to sit in the couch waiting to be called by Vincent, the Officer I was to see. Yes, I decided to ask another guy sitting next to Vincent’s office; he was engaged with another client too. Quickly and politely, this young man begged the customer he was attending to so he could use a minute to get me water. In less than one minute, he was back with a glass of water in his hands and waited patiently for me to finish drinking.  I was extremely delighted. Indeed that was not part of his KPIs but he realized I was an integral part of their business structure, nonetheless!

Mr Kojo Yeboah of a certain electronic dealing Company on the Ring Road deserves a promotion as far as that single act of superior quality customer service is concerned! The first impression about Kojo was that which represents my impression about the entire company but should it? I don’t know o. This is bcos the first two workers I met were also members of the same organization! Indeed attitude is an individual trait!

Customer service practice in GH…still a big issue o! Hmmm!

Customer service requires that employees go beyond their KPI’s to delight a customer. You see, the travelling time between Accra and Kumasi is often said to be 4 hours but it is not  exactly 4 hours o. Don’t forget the traffic from Adabraka to Ofankor barrier alone can be more than one hour. Now you have done 5 hours as you think you have reached Tek junction and so you are in Kumasi. Woboa! Don’t forget you have to deal with the traffic between Tek junction and Adum / Kejetia (ie Kumasi proper) which is about another one hour. So don’t be deceived in to thinking Accra to Kumasi is 4 exactly hours; this is bcos the 4 hours average speed they often make reference to is like from Ofankor barrier to Tek junction. Period! If in doubt, go with a domestic flight er. 40 minutes p3p33p3 and you are there. Except that I have a personal problem with some of our domestic airlines; often their product life cycle is rather too short! I don’t know whether it’s due to operational challenges or broad external factors. I don’t know which domestic airline is ten years old in our air space and still operating! Many come as if it is a fling with the travelling public – flash! And then they disappear! When they come in new, they would do everything possible to excite you by way of pricing and time consciousness. Let them grab the market, then they start ‘misbehaving’. ‘Sorry our flight will delay due to bad weather’. That one is even better; but when the reason for the delay is ‘due to a technical problem’, kai! I often feel some way, very uncomfortable. What if that technical problem is not fully resolved before? Hmmm!

That is why I like patronizing the Ho Airport o! Kw33333! It is the busiest airport in Ghana bcos people are flying in and out every second at the fastest speed but you won’t see them…physically! Departure time 9am; arrival time 9.01am! Finish! Ossseeeee Volta! Hahahahahahaha! I just love my people la. hardly would you hear about mob injustice. What then is the use of ‘Volta wifi’!

Do you remember when last year during one of my visits to my holy village, I left my car door with its glasses rolled down and went to Uncle Dr Votia’s shallot farm.

It is probably one of the few Regions one can leave his car door open with valuables for 24 hours and come back to meet them intact, all things being equal.

Kwebu’s weeding experience of a large acre of land can never be forgotten. He weeded without getting tired. We were told he had been weeding for four days non-stop and had done almost five acres of the weeding as of then. The reason? He went to steal cassava from the said farm the previous day and nobody asked him to come back and weed but the ‘forces’ that compelled him to come and weed were strong. By the conditions of the ‘powers’ he had to continue weeding till the farm owner himself comes to stop him. How can this be recorded in any police books?

Unfortunately for him, the farm owner had travelled to France on holidays. Which police force could be stronger than this?

One can steal a fowl from Dzita and get away with it to Accra but nobody would ask him or her to send it back when he or she gets to Accra.

Have a great long weekend and remember the things that keep you going are not the very serious ones but the ‘useless’ ones like this column. But lest you forget, the question again is ‘what do men shake’ after urinating in public? Please keep the answer; no one needs it; just urinate!

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