Useless Column with Mawuli Zogbenu: P.E Teacher

Some people will call you once and if you call them later, they would say ‘they have called you saaaaaaaaaa’. Ebei! Exaggeration di333, looks like some of us were born with it. So since the beginning of the year that I had made a resolution that I won’t eat after 6pm again, we are already in September and I am even now eating after 10pm?

Ei! I don’t think I have any more resolutions for 2026. Whatever will happen should happen. I can’t explain again. This could be another exaggeration! Hahahahahahaha!

For those of you men who like sitting on the chests of your girlfriends right beneath their cleavages with the 5^th limb in the valley in between the two mountains when you want to ‘misbehave’ nu, please make sure that you clean yourself very well after using the toilet. If you don’t do that, you end up creating sanitation left overs on the chests of those ladies. Those yellow yellow pieces of waste. What is that.

Ah! Take your time and clean yourself thoroughly even if it is with cement paper! Men koraaa, why? That’s why some of the young ladies don’t like sending their ‘heads’ there again. What’s their crime? For loving you or because of the GHC200 momo once in a while and secretly call them gold diggers?

Is the value of gold in your area GHC200? That reminds me o. this galamsey thing koraaa, what can we do about it again? I heard the Volta lake is clean because if you dare digging for alluvial gold, no security has time for you; the gods will deal with you, the reason galamsey is not in my hometown. Who born you to make that mistake? The gods would just do the needful and your ghost can decide to take them to court.

How many of you know that academically too, I was not good in school at all. Mabon roff! I remember I was repeated in Primary 2 because I was a dead head! Nothing dey inside my head. But you know cyto is sweet. After the third term, your results would determine whether you should be eligible for promotion to the next class. Nonetheless, you can use takashi to promote yourself and not many people will notice sef! Who cares especially in the midst of insufficient seats and desks with its attendant confusion and chaos everywhere. Oh cyto? Hmmmm!

So I came home to tell my brother that I have been repeated in Primary 2 because I couldn’t make the mark. In his reaction, he first gave me some good beatings before advising me that I should use takashi to enter primary 3. But he warned me: “never go and struggle over a desk or chair o, or else your class mates would remind you to go back to class 2”. The best advice ever.

This made me the quietest person in primary 3 but still my head die! It was in Primary 4 that I started picking up small small after my mother had resolved not to give me breathing space from constant insults of how weak I was in school and that my senior brother, Abraham was always taking the first position till he completed Middle School Leaving Certificate.

Mummy didn’t know what was wrong with me. I couldn’t take the embarrassments anymore and decided to shock her in Primary 4. Indeed by the time I got to Primary 5, I took after brother Abraham – nobody was near me academically. I topped in every subject.

My mates were surprised but my teachers were not because they believed I had taken after my elder brother. That guy was just not lucky – super brilliant all round but no money to go to secondary school so he retired last year as a clerk! It is well! The good news is that he invested heavily on me to get to the highest level to compensate for his loss. That my Brother er, very rare!

The only thing he never attempted in his whole life was how to play football. His feet never touched even socks ball or chenesa! But me, I played football in Kisseman here in Accra. I played so well that my school qualified for an inter-schools tournament. That was in the early 1990’s o.

Then my P.E teacher said even though I played and could still play so well, because my school would be meeting international stars at the super zonals tournament, I was not good enough so I should go and sit down somewhere and rest while the school’s technical team goes round the world looking for some half castes whose parents were from Ghana but got a child from a Caucasian partner some 19 years ago. So they brought them together but they couldn’t understand each other in terms of playing as a Team when they went to the super zonals.

They didn’t get anywhere and the technical team became confused. Do you think karma will allow this blend to reach anywhere in the inter-schools tournament? Anyway, it wasn’t their fault. Some of them didn’t even want to play for the school.

The PE teacher begged them and keeps paying dearly for it anyway and now he still wants to continue being the PE teacher even after playing two games IN WHICH HE LOST miserably. Many were not happy with this turn of event but we could only talk but couldn’t do foko! That’s a school called Anunmle! Confusion and chaos immersed in vernacular? Weytin you go take them do? Hahaaaa! My alma mater o!

Thankfully, I am still in the village with my local talent friends. We are very good at qualifying our school for tournaments but not good enough to play at such tournaments! Just like the family that used the umbrella during the rainfall and left it outside the room just because the umbrella was wet!

They will come again and use us to qualify for another super zonal tournament and drop us and go looking for half castes who cannot communicate in a common language while on the field of play. Individual talents? Super but collective strength? Jesus wept! This my PE teacher and his technical whatever er…hmmmm! Esesentor!

Ei Koku, so you believe I played football well? Hahahahahaha! You probably didn’t read about my experience in this non-fa column in the past. I used to play in the Achimota School soccer team. Motown was doing well but anytime I played, we lost. I was the worst player and the weakest link on the field yet they would still field me. Anyway this decisions were informed by the school’s superiority and dexterity in the game of hockey and not necessarily football.

Accra Aca and WASS boys won’t even allow us to get into their 18 box. Those boys er. I met one recently and he is a Director in a big multinational company directing affairs. As for Presek, only Maths and Science nkoaaaa! X raised to the power V divided by Q dropped from the power C and they won’t blink an eye before answering…and correctly too. Presek and sports?

Abeg, go and sit somewhere and drink fantaa and tea bread and watch them concentrate on their science books! Greetings o, Odadi3 Lexis Bill – Ghana’s number 1 King of Dance!

I played the role of a defender and played number 3 so anytime our opponents wanted to score, they looked at where I was standing. I defended nothing and would occasionally abandon my role and go and be arguing with my mates (supporters) who blamed me for everything that went wrong.

Who cares! The coach should take the blame. How can you field Mawuli to play anything meaningful when I was wearin Achimota sandals as my soccer boots. After all, I was better than many that was why I even got the privilege of wearing the proud black and white-coloured Achimota jersey – number 3.

Hehehehe! I am told since I left Achimota 31 years ago, none of their sets of jerseys had number 3 in it. All because of the bad luck I brought to the school o. You would see Number 1, 2, and they jump to 4 and above. I spoil there. No be my fault! Hahaha!

Have a nice weekend and enjoy anything you feel like enjoying but in moderation because misery does not announce its coming. Tataaaaaaaa!

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