Falling-in-love

By Kodwo BRUMPON

“A bird does not change its feathers because the weather is bad.” – African proverb

One of the most wonderful occurrences in life is to fall-in-love. Beyond the euphoria, confidence, and affirmations that our lovers bring out in us, the idealized self that we project make us proud of ourselves. Often, we project virtues and values that otherwise would have remained beneath the skin.

Any why not? To be loved is to be fully seen, deeply appreciated and ultimately “respected for the entirety of who we are and everything that makes us tick” by our lovers. This depth of appreciation may “take some time, and dependability, and a passionate curiosity undimmed by the fading of uniqueness” to master. That is why “love-at-first-sight” is often downplayed.

What is most brilliant about falling-in-love is the way it makes us feel more alive about ourselves. We are inspired to live more and more closer to our idealized self, than anything on earth can. That is how powerful love is, and why many philosophers argue against the notion that it is an emotion. When love works in us, it activates all kinds of emotions in us, that connects us to our idealized self, so much so that we cannot label it as a singular feeling.

It is perhaps not surprising that the unspoken narrative of falling-in-love, is that our lovers only act as catalysts, or even an enabler of how we wish to see ourselves, and then we are inspired to be that “sweet” person that we have always wanted. Thus, every time we fall-in-love, it is important for us to “glory in it for one thing and be very glad and grateful for it.”

It sometimes happens that the way we feel-in-love, is somewhat not returned by our lovers for one reason or another. This irks us, because of our innate human tendency to seek self-validation and an enhanced sense of identity through others make falling-in-love the best stage to unpack ourselves and remove the many masks we wear.

Thus, many of us cannot help, but use the objects of our infatuation, as well as our longing to make them desire us more and more to make others responsible for our love life. Afterall, we love the wonderfulness of being loved.

The feeling that another sees and desires you generates feelings of exceptionality, which goes a long way to validate, not just our personality, but our existence as well, thereby reassuring us that we are enough. So, for many of us, our lovers come to us as stages, where we are allowed to perform our most idealized selves upon it.

That is not to say falling-in-love and being loved are one and the same thing. It is far from that. However, falling-in-love pushes us to ‘invest’ ourselves into being lovable, so much so that many of shape ourselves to fit the desires, ideals, or dreams of our lovers.

We work on this transactional process because we desire to transform ourselves, through their eyes and ears in a manner that inspires them to want us in some circumstances, need us in others, and all together be held as extraordinary in their perception.

It is an admirable thing to do, but sometimes, this drive stems from the fact that we are terrified of being unlovable or insignificant when stripped of our performative selves. This is the fear we do not admit of ourselves.

We know from our own experiences, the impermanence of admiration. We know how we can easily lose interest in people because they are stuck in their weak attitudes and ways. Thus, we unconsciously question ourselves about whether our lovers will still us, if we lose the version of ourselves they love?

This fear stems from the fragility of self-worth many of us have of ourselves. We need the external validation of and from our lovers, otherwise our internal sense of value diminishes, and, in some cases, we experience a total breakdown.

The unspoken truth is that we do not just want to be loved. We want to be validated in a way that shields us from the frightening possibility that we are not enough as we are. To this end, falling-in-love is often falling into a carefully constructed dream, one in which our lovers’ admiration props up our own fragile sense of self-worth.

Philosophically, falling-in-love fills the existential void that resides in us. It helps us to become better versions of ourselves and thus creates a subconscious dependency. The more we grow, the more we love ourselves and so the desire to become better grows and grows. In this sense, falling-in-love becomes a scaffolding to hold us up against the abyss of our unadorned self.

This teaches us that falling-in-love is not enough. We must constantly strive to genuinely love ourselves so that we do not need anyone to amplify our egos. We must embrace ourselves in our truest and rawest form, and work on improving ourselves for ourselves, so that we do not need performances but a deep communion with those we love.

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Kodwo Brumpon is an executive coach at Polygon Oval, a forward-thinking Pan African management consultancy and social impact firm driven by data analytics, with a focus on understanding the extraordinary potential and needs of organisations and businesses to help them cultivate synergies, that catapults into their strategic growth, and certifies their sustainability.

Comments, suggestions, and requests for talks and training should be sent to him at [email protected]

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