5 reasons people ruin healthy relationships — Even when they don’t mean to

We all say we want love that feels safe, stable, and good for our soul. Yet, the moment we get it, some of us panic, pull away, or start picking fights over things that don’t really matter. Ever been there?

This is what’s known as self-sabotaging a healthy relationship — and the scary part? You may not even realise you're doing it. Let’s break it down in plain English and talk about why it happens, what it looks like, and how to stop ruining something real without meaning to.

What is self-sabotage in relationships?

Self-sabotage is when you unconsciously do things that push love away, even when you claim you want it. It’s like when you finally meet someone kind, respectful and emotionally available — but instead of feeling safe, you start feeling scared, restless, or irritated.

You might overthink their every move, test them constantly, or convince yourself they’ll leave anyway. So you create drama, pull away emotionally, or leave first — just to protect yourself from a heartbreak that hasn’t even happened.

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Why do people sabotage good love without knowing?

Let’s be honest: it’s not because we’re wicked or ungrateful. Most of the time, it’s rooted in things we’ve experienced in the past — things that shaped how we receive love, trust people, and see ourselves. Here are a few key reasons:

1. You Don’t Believe You Deserve That Kind of Love

If you’ve been through toxic relationships, neglect, or even childhood emotional wounds, healthy love can feel unfamiliar — even uncomfortable.

When someone treats you well, your brain might tell you, “This is too good to be true.” So you start pushing them away before they get the chance to leave — all because deep down, you don’t believe you’re worthy of being loved that way.

Example: You meet someone who communicates well and respects your boundaries. Instead of embracing it, you feel suspicious. You start telling yourself they must be pretending or hiding something.

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2. You’re Scared of Losing Control

Some people sabotage relationships as a way to stay in control. Being vulnerable means letting someone in, and that feels risky.

So instead of expressing your real fears or needs, you shut down, act cold, or pretend you don’t care — all to avoid getting too emotionally attached.

Example: You start an argument right after a lovely date because you're terrified that things are going “too well.”

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3. You Equate Love With Drama

If you're used to relationships filled with chaos, jealousy, shouting and emotional rollercoasters, then a calm, respectful love might feel boring.

Healthy love doesn’t always come with fireworks — and if you’re addicted to toxic highs and lows, you may confuse peace for lack of passion.

Example: You tell yourself, “They’re too nice — I don’t feel the spark,” not realising that what you miss is the adrenaline, not love.

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4. You’re Still Carrying Past Pain Into New Love

If you’ve been cheated on, ghosted, or abandoned, it’s hard to not carry that fear into your next relationship.

You might start assuming your new partner will do the same — so you keep your guard up, check out emotionally, or even leave before they can hurt you.

Example: You read too much into delayed replies or harmless jokes, because your mind is always preparing for betrayal.

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5. You Mistake Peace for Danger

When you're not used to emotional safety, it can feel like something's missing. Some people literally feel anxious when there's no drama, no jealousy, no hot-and-cold behaviour.

You might end up sabotaging the relationship just to create a familiar (but toxic) dynamic — because it feels more “normal.”

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So, how do you stop?

Here’s the good news — you can unlearn this. But first, you have to admit it’s happening. Healing starts with awareness. If you’ve noticed a pattern of pulling away from good people, here’s how to start working through it:

• Reflect: Ask yourself — what do I really believe about love and myself? Where did I learn that?

• Communicate: If you're feeling overwhelmed in a healthy relationship, talk to your partner. Let them know it’s new territory for you.

• Heal the root: Consider therapy, journaling, or honest conversations with people you trust. Often, self-sabotage stems from unhealed trauma.

• Practice staying: When something feels good and safe, give yourself permission to stay. Let yourself be loved.

• Be kind to yourself: You’re not broken — you’re just learning. And that takes time.

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Sometimes, the biggest block to receiving love is the belief that we don’t deserve it. But you do.

If someone treats you well and you find yourself pulling away, don’t panic. Breathe. Pause. Reflect. Ask: Is this my fear talking or my truth speaking?

Healing is messy. Loving again is brave. But slowly, you’ll learn how to receive the very love you once thought you had to run from.

You deserve that kind of love — and this time, you don’t have to sabotage it.

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