Useless Column: Wedding pepper soup vs funeral brochure

So you have entered exam hall to write a seriously difficult paper and you are here wearing boubou, ei Korshivi; do you really want to pass especially for those of you who enter exams hall in suit and tie and sometimes in brand new shoes? Anyway, depending on how prepared you are, nobody will tell you to undress when they say ‘Start work’! Next slide please. A Gan man will say ‘It is better to say ‘I am on it’ than to say ‘I’ve given up’.

I will never forget this thing that my late oluman taught me that when you are attending a wedding or a funeral, eat well such that when the food being served is delaying, you don’t share your ‘inner self’ displaying unnecessary anger. Somebody is dead and you have used that to prepare your budget to go and eat; are you the one ‘gone too soon’? Respect yourself, Mr Asankwan. Even your name has soup in it. That reminds me. Has it occurred to you that AUGUST is the only month that has Ghana’s two leading universities in it – UG and UST are in there, or? The other universities may be found in December. Happy ending, AUGUST! It’s sweet!

There is a type of pepper that the people of Ga call “akweley waabi’. It is very long and hot. Please don’t misconstrue the use of the word ‘long and hot’. I mean the ones they use to accompany the proper Ga kenkey. Ehernnnn, that one.

I grew up later and got to know its English name is ‘chili pepper’. It can be really hot but not really spicy like ‘kpakpo shitor’. As for that kpakpo shitor, I still don’t know the English name.

Environmentally, ‘Akweley waabi’ is hot inside out! But no matter how hot ‘akweley waabi’ is er, worms manage to survive in those going bad to make a living out of it. They just don’t care about the environment; all the worms care about is how to survive in there. Unlike me and you who cannot survive pepper soup with too much pepper.

You remember just before Alex’s wedding some 14 years ago, he invited most of us to come and eat but had a small budget.

He slaughtered a small goat, the size of a village teddy bear and looking at things, the meat would not be enough to cover the invitees. So he asked the caterers to add excessive ‘akweley waabi’ such that after taking one piece of meat, you would be compelled to drink water saaaaaa till you quench the ‘pepper fire’. End of story! That was on the eve of the wedding.

On the day of the wedding, most of us couldn’t attend because the excessive pepper from the previous night’s experience purged us. That was a strategy to ensure that those who would come to the wedding reception itself would be few so the ‘budget meal’ would be enough.

o what do I really want to deceive you with today? Okay I have a lie lie idea. Let’s go oo! Hahahaha! Happy yourself o! So long as Jesus is yet to come, life is going to be full of ups and downs. When up, be happy; when down, be happy!

When Abena was sharing all of her ‘historical predicaments’ with me, I was empathizing with her but deep within me, I was laughing inside my heart because I knew I was not going to be any better than her ex, Kofi. I got home that night and couldn’t help laughing. Be careful who pretends to be sympathizing or empathizing with you; they have their interests.

Ei, Auntie! Every weekend, 500 Ghana given to you by Kofi and because of that? Hmmm! I think Kofi was better than me o because Abena was going to struggle to get 200 Ghana sef from me; that is in a month and here she was talking about 500 per week and cracked eye phone. Hehehehe! I use infinity 2013 model.

Sometimes when some women complain to us about their previous relationships and how bad such relationships hit the rocks, we know deep down in our hearts that we would be worse; it is only a matter of time. The reverse is also true. Men who lie to ladies about how their previous relationships went bad. Azaan nkoaaa; they just want to enter and ‘eat’ after which they run away. I say ‘They’ not me.

That is the time when some ladies would say ‘all men are the same’. It is not true o; some of us are worse.

It’s weekend again and salaries have been paid. Expect greetings from some people who only greet you after the third week of the month. ‘Oh just checking up on you; hope you are gud’. If I am not good, weytin concern you especially only when the month is about to end?

Don’t go to funeral this weekend o, Sassu especially if you don’t know the deceased but you are going because you want food. You may be rushing to eat jollof. The annoying thing is that those who do not give anything are those who would want to drink malt or fruit juice in addition to listening to music from the loudspeakers that play usually unnecessary gospel music for a start. They are the same people who would be rushing for funeral brochures as if they are going to use it for something. What for? Ah! If you happen to be holding one funeral brochure and someone says ‘please can I glance through small?’, forget it; you won’t get it again.

Next slide.

Talk of the discarded university textbooks which I used to carry to school in primary 4 those days only reminds me of ‘City Express’! You remember? The sweet-scented smell from ‘Chikpi Express’ is still smelling in my nostrils with fresh nostalgia! From Achimota to Accra in the 1980s, it was such an experience and pleasant delight. We used to board Chikpi Express to go and buy camboo at Kantamanto.

The excitement that came with joining Chikpi especially, when the youth naturally gave way to the elderly to sit down was oooooh noooo…we enjoyed sweet things before oo. I vividly remember how we would stand in the bus and hold those strings tied to the roof of the bus…awwww. I loved this because it gave me the opportunity to do a tour of Nkrumah Circle, Caprice (pronounced ‘Car-price’ at the time) Alajo, Tesano Police Depo, and Achimota Overhead…finished. These areas were the tourist sites.

Have a nice weekend and expect miracles from God soon in case you are about giving up. Your miracle is on the way! Just believe! You still have the opportunity to give up anyway. If you want to give up, give up. Ah!

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