Useless Column: ‘I spoil there’

Me, I played football in a village here in Accra. I played so well so well that my school qualified for an international tournament. That was in the 1990’s o. Then my P.E teacher said even though I played and could still play so well, because my school would be meeting international stars at the super zonals tournament, I was not good enough so I should go and sit down somewhere and rest while the school’s technical team goes round the world looking for some half castes whose parents were from Ghana but got a child from a Caucasian partner some 19 years ago. So they brought them together but they couldn’t understand each other in terms of playing as a Team when they went to the super zonals. They didn’t get anywhere and the technical team became confused. Do you think karma will allow this blend to reach anywhere in the tournament? Anyway, it wasn’t their fault. Some of them didn’t even want to play for the school. The PE teacher begged them and paid dearly for it anyway. Thankfully, I am still in the village with my local talent friends. We are very good at qualifying our school for tournaments but not good enough to play at such tournaments! They will come again and use us to qualify for another international tournament and drop us and go looking for half castes who cannot communicate in a common language while on the field of play. Individual talents? Super but collective strength? Jesus wept! This my PE teacher and his technical whatever er…hmmmm! Esesentor!

Ei Koku, so you believe I played football well? Hahahahahaha! You probably didn’t read about my experience in this non-fa column in the past. I used to play in the Achimota School soccer team. Motown was doing well but anytime I played, we lost. I was the worst player and the weakest link on the field yet they would still field me. Anyway this decisions were informed by the school’s superiority and  excellence in the game of hockey and not necessarily football. Accra Aca and WASS boys won’t even allow us to get into their 18 box. Those boys er. I met one recently and he is a Director in a big multinational company directing affairs. As for Presek, only Maths and Science nkoaaaa! X raised to the power V divided by Q dropped from the power C and they won’t blink an eye before answering…and correctly too. Presek and sports? Abeg, go and sit somewhere and drink fantaa and tea bread and watch them concentrate on their science books!

I played the role of a defender and played number 3 so anytime our opponents want to score, they look at where I was standing. I defended nothing and would occasionally abandon my role and go and be arguing with my mates (supporters) who blamed me for everything that went wrong. Who cares! After all, I was better than them that was why I even got the privilege of wearing the proud black and white-coloured Achimota jersey – number 3. Hehehehe! I am told since I left Achimota exactly 30 years ago, none of their sets of jerseys had number 3 in it. All because of the bad luck I brought to the school o. You would see Number 1, 2, and they jump to 4 and above. I spoil there. No be my fault! Hahaha! Ei wait a minute o. I just heard our former Headmaster, ‘Bob Say’ is no more. May his soul rest in peace!

When I grew up and got married after university, I realized that our wives are really sweet. Besides, if only they wives knew that most of us, men are never really moved by make-ups, I am sure there will be nothing like make-up artistes and their shops. We too can pretend paaa o. We would tell you; ‘woooow’ this is stunning’ but deep within, we don’t like it. In fact, we don’t care so long as a woman is naturally beautiful and herself! As for me, what moves me is a lady with pony tail hair style. Aish! It weakens my morals. Sakora hairstyle strengthens my morals. Woman sakora di33, ad3n? Interestingly, this one too, men pretend. They won’t tell you the truth. ‘Woooow! Nice haircut, ‘angelic kujo’! It’s a lie o! Men like hairstyles papa especially if it is fluffy and easy to play with and ‘spoil’. Auntie, you may spend money on your hair and we will love you more as we feel yiiiiii in our waists but you may just be wasting money on make-ups if you think you are impressing me, Fati. Anyway the last time I told her this truth, she said she does not do that necessarily because she wants to impress me but she does so to feel good as a woman! That’s all! I see! Ayooo!

‘To God be the glory…great things He has done……! Be honest with yourself, between this line and the chorus, this is how you sing this powerful church song. Please feel free and try it now. You would realise all along that you have been deceiving yourself. I did it last weekend at the wedding ceremony of two pastor friends of mine. The man is a pastor and the woman is a pastor. They don’t have a marriage counsellor; they counsel themselves. Counsellor sef get in own problems. They dated for 6 years and as to what they have been doing in between the last six years and now, please don’t be a judge; we have all done it before. When you are asked to kiss your wife for the first time, in your mind you know you have gone past the ‘red light’ long since but you would still pretend and do it quickly for people to think you are the cleanest person on earth. It’s a lie o, we are all bad! Hahahaha!  In between the ‘To God be the glory’ hymn, I saw myself singing this: jdwpofwefqw7y90-]uep’  ;xle qwrty[u90ikj;rgwflexz hjzehiwefydw’qjeME# .we,dvhiwj’omQNLfb.vwdsghwjekmQWRLNkbw   ke;rmqwq.jjbwed ityukqwqdsctkyqw uiqiaxcxvhlsnwxfgahijokpzsnxfyiuhiaL’XMS/D DXH;LSM.S, mxcZ;/X Ahzjk/.LAKZAVBANxmaX;AVZcgnmn,.,,, and waited for the chorus which is ‘Praise the lord, praise the Lord…..praise the Lord let the people rejoice. Oh come to the Father, great things He has done….and all the the…….tywtfdid90d]qfdtyuhijdwe’d;weijop! Even the chorus,  I still struggled.

The lady pastor laughed at me saaaaa and I didn’t wonder because I knew what I was singing….borla!

As you wait for the chorus: ‘Praise the Lord, Praise the Lord…let the people rejoice, great things He has done! ‘and so what’? came from behind me. Unknown to me, there was a boozeman standing behind me shouting ‘Suzanna, Suzanna’. Then I realized I was not alone. He saw my struggles and tried to make a tease out of it and the best way to draw my attention to it was to scream Suzanna’ Suzanna’ too. This was in an apparent reference to that movie in which Suzanna the only cooking skills Suzanna possessed was how to cook hot water. I was dressed kyenku yet couldn’t sing common ‘To God be the glory’ hymn. Hmmm!

When we were kids, the way our parents lied to us er. I am sure you also had those scary experiences. At Christian Village cemetery just on the way to Dome Pillar 2 is the location of the community cemetery. The whole area was to be a very thick bushy area and children got scared walking past the cemetery. I still don’t know what we were afraid of o. ‘Powerless’ people underground including my late father yet we were scared for nothing. There was this time I mistakenly pointed to the cemetery while walking with my big brother. Hell broke loose, he asked me to bite my finger three tines or else…I didn’t want to hear the consequences. I think that is where I develop the habit of biting my fingernails ‘by hat’.

Ei Hadiza, when you were a kid, were you not convinced that when mistakenly swallow orange seed, it will germinate on your head?

Have a nice weekend and enjoy anything you feel like enjoying but not at the detriment of your own health and other future financial plans. Tataaaaaaaa!

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