Chamber pot @200?

What did I do wrong last year that everybody is insulting me like that? Ern? Out of $3,000 per diem and I gave my wife GHC300 and you people were insulting me. Is it good? Ern? Three million old Ghana cedis – you think that is small money?

A whole 3million cedis and everyone was sending me a mail attacking me for being ‘chisel’, p3p33 and parsimonious! Shame onto those of you who called my wife and told her I was given a per diem of $3,000 and not $800 as I disclosed to her; she came home attacking me not over the inaccurate amount oo but the fact that I gave my ‘useless’ girlfriends, Ablavi and Maame GHC100 each.

Maybe my mail senders forgot to add that I also bought her fruit juice and papey3! I should even have taken withholding tax from it. Ah!

Do you remember Sonny, that small boy in my neighborhood who has been coming to wash my car on Saturdays? He is entering University this September o. to God be the glory o! This boy would wash my car and every time he did, I gave him money. One Saturday after washing the car, I only took the car key from him and didn’t give him anything; neither did I say anything apart from ‘THANK YOU’. In less than 5 minutes, I saw him come to pass in front of my house and greeted loudly: ‘Bra Mawuli, good morning’ to which I responded. In another 10 minutes, he came back again greeting, this time louder ‘Bra Mawuli, I say good morning o’. I really didn’t get it; why I should be greeted many times in the morning. Until the 4^th time, I didn’t realize the guy was doing ‘debt recovery’; he wanted his money and had to apply some degree of subtlety to get his money for services rendered! Hmmm! Today’s youth are just not ready to do anything for free! It’s unfortunate! Maybe they are learning it from some of us their ‘leaders.’

If he had lived in a zongo before like I did, he would know that helping elderly people is communal service and an honour to God and part of the growing up process. You’d serve everybody without expecting anything in return. In fact you felt good for washing your neighbour’s car!

As you enter this week, let me warn you o.‘Oh Bra, you can pour it inside bcos I am in my safe period’ is the ‘agreement’ that creates street children o! Go ahead and be ‘pouring and borning’ by heart and become irresponsible. Go ahead and don’t protect yourself against STDs and unwanted pregnancies. You will come and meet me here. Behave yourself and stick to only your wife o, yoo! The ‘thing’ dey o, yoo!

This is from me to you oo, Aisha [email protected]. Aisha only reminds me of the then favorite programme ‘FROM ME TO YOU on Unique Fm. Ei Daavi Fatymah Quayennor and  Dr Jewu Appia. A fantastic programme it was! Aired between 9-11pm Sunday nights on Radio Ghana, I never missed my radio set (walkman) at the time. I nearly got a life partner from that programme. I was single and young so I wrote a letter to the program expressing interest in a lady who was looking for a ‘young, energetic, caring and responsible single man’ to settle down with. Wow! She replied to my letter and we exchanged contacts.

At the time there were no mobile phones with which one could send pictures of how you look like so we were operating ‘in the dark’. Come to think of it, how did we survive all this while without wassap and other social media platforms? Hmmm! I admire plus size ladies so I was glad when she said she was plump. I should have asked for other features that go with this description of her. OMG!

We scheduled to meet at Ablantie Spot. I  waited for nearly 30 minutes. She was coming from the Tema direction and I lived in Chantan. At each point that she alighted from a car, she would call me and tell me she is coming to give me a gift that cost ‘200’. I kept calling her too to be sure she was on course en route to the spot. In fact I had been dreaming about her. That feeling that happens to you when you fall in love with someone you are yet to meet and can’t sleep, ehernnnnnn!

Since we didn’t know each other I asked her to call me as soon as she reached the entrance of the spot or else there was no way we could identify each other. Then I saw somebody coming. OMG! Carrying on her head was a bunch of plantain and in her left hand was a METAL CHAMBER POT moving towards the entrance and trying to call me and glowing profusely in sweat under the load. I think she was coming to impress me with gifts. Ei! I could immediately tell she was the one. I just switched off my phone, walked past her and awayyyyyyyyy! Later, I changed my chip! How manage! I don’t want wahala. This my ‘almost-wife-to-be’ had just come to visit her people in Tema from some remote Ghana and wanting a husband. Me? Plantain? Chamber pot? On head? God forbid! Come to think of it can you eat fufu with plenty goat meat, fish, snail meat, crabs, shrimps and all the things that make eating feel good in a brand new never-used chamber pot that costs 200? Don’t think about it, just buy another one.

It was in a zongo that I learnt how to speak Awusa small small. ‘Degodia’ in Awusa means something else in Ayigbe o; you can ask any Ny3bro friend; me I don’t want problem from any Ada man’s cousins!

Have you also noticed that no matter how small and interconnected zongo rooms may be with ‘interesting wiring’, you would never hear of fire outbreak? If you have not lived in a zongo before like me, you would never know how nicely cow meat and goat meat can taste. E bi Zongo fire wey dey burn am, Ala!

On a more serious note, insurance companies that may be shying away from insuring properties in zongos bcos of perceived inappropriate wiring need to reconsider as I have come to realise that fire insurance risk from a resident of cantonments may be higher than from a resident living a zongo! I don’t know how they do it but zongos hardly catch fire.

I am not feeling well oo. Please pray for me oo to finish writing this abstract that nobody would read. I have been coughing for the past one week. It usually starts as soon as I finish laughing. What should I do? Please your advice is critical especially if you are a medical doctor. Last year when I had a similar coughing matter and sought advice from Sammy having given him the same cause, he asked me to stop laughing so I will not cough again. Is that fair? How on earth should I stop laughing just because I don’t want to cough? Abeg, let me laugh and cough ooo! Hahahaaa!

You know, the danger in keeping a strange woman in your company can be dire and could even end you in jail? I never imagined this. That night, in my hotel room, Kosiwa came for her usual ‘prayers’ and that was when she broke the bad news to me. We had agreed to let her sleep over to sort things out. At about 1.38am, she started shivering fafafafafafa! Ei what is this, I panicked. There was no hospital around for me to take her to. I quietly prayed that if it is pregnancy which she suspected it was, she should miscarry! What if the worst happens in this case? She could die oo, I imagined. I called someone I knew in the area and he mentioned a clinic nearby.

The night duty nurses were attending to nature’s call at that time of the night la! I expected them to have refused to pick that nature’s call and attend to Kosiwa. Fortunately one of them came to my rescue and when we got to the car to bring Kosiwa out, she walked towards us amazingly happy and laughing. What has changed? Kosiwa said she was ok and didn’t need a doctor again. Ei, wonders.

Kosiwa now narrated her story about having eaten cooked beans with fried eggs very at 11pm hence her stomach upset and after filling my car with ‘Ghana gas’, she was ok now. Hmmm! What a relief!

You see why my coughing cannot stop coughing because anytime I remember this incident I laugh.

So what actually made Kosiwa pregnant was unknown; it was the beans and eggs! If I knew earlier, I would just have arranged a bigger and a more spacious chamber pot @200 for her to do the needful rather than the hell she took me through running from hospital to hospital.

 Next time, when you think of having fun with a stranger in a hideout or in the absence of your wife at home, think… ‘what if this person dies in your house or in the hotel room’? Or it is not possible?

#Sin fascinates and assassinates!

 

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